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Thommo82

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tabuktime
4 hours ago, Thommo82 said:

Does the Muslim shave though? 

Wax on, wax off...

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Nikosaldente
One night Toto's father was sitting in his armchair. Suddenly he says to Toto:
- Toto, bring me my slippers from your sisters room.
So Toto goes to Totinas room, opens the door and sees her sitting in her bed and talking to her friend:
Toto:
- Totina, Dad told me to f@@k you both!
Totina:
- What nonsense is this, Toto.
Toto:
- What? You don’t believe me? Dad? Only one of them?
Dad:
- Both, you idiot!

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Thommo82
34 minutes ago, Nikosaldente said:
One night Toto's father was sitting in his armchair. Suddenly he says to Toto:
- Toto, bring me my slippers from your sisters room.
So Toto goes to Totinas room, opens the door and sees her sitting in her bed and talking to her friend:
Toto:
- Totina, Dad told me to f@@k you both!
Totina:
- What nonsense is this, Toto.
Toto:
- What? You don’t believe me? Dad? Only one of them?
Dad:
- Both, you idiot!

I think you may currently be in first....

But I’m a little drunk 

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Xpletiv

^Pics or it didn't happen!

 

.....not even a snicker.....geez....

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PlanetZoom

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”

“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”

“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.'”

-------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants..."

------------------------------------------------------------------- 

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

---------------------------------------------------------------------- 

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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brang1

It's cup final day and three boys in the class want to go home early to watch the match. 
The teacher decides to hold a spelling bee and allow the boys who spell their words correctly to leave school for the day to see their team.


Tommy, spell Dog for me please..
Easy sir, D-O-G..
Very good Tommy off you go, Martin spell Cat for me please...
Simple sir C-A-T very good Martin off you go enjoy the game..
Thank you sir!
Ahmed i would like you to spell racial discrimination

 

 

A family book into a hotel for the weekend, the father goes up to the receptionist and says, "I hope the porn here is disabled". To which the receptionist replies, "Its just regular porn you sick fuck

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Thommo82

Jesus these jokes are just getting better

 

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peleon

Hi all!

Sorry for my bad english but here's a joke I'll try to translate from french.

A guy takes a seat in a train and in front of him a young and beautiful girl is already sitting.

She's wearing very sexy clothes with a short skirt.

She keeps crossing and uncrossing her legs and the guy notices she doesn't wear panties. He can't help staring at her pussy.

She observes the guy with a pleasure smile and finally asks him : "Isn't it beatiful?"

The guy a bit shy and confused :
"Hem...yeaaaah...of course"

The girl : "Now take a look closely at it. It'll give you a wink"

The pussy starts to twist a bit on one side and really seems to be a human face giving a wink.

The guy is very impressed and the girl says : "Now it'll give you a kiss".

The pussy does the same movement as a mouth and kind of the same noise as a kiss.

The guy is stunned and the girl now says : "As you are a nice gentleman now please sit next to me". The guy goes on the seat in front of him just beside the girl.

She says with a lascivious voice : "Now you can put me two fingers in"

The guy : "Oh Jesus!!!! Don't tell me it also knows how to whistle!!!!!"



Envoyé de mon SM-G935F en utilisant Tapatalk

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Nikosaldente

Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters." So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting along with the girls now?" \ "Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio. 
 

:giggle:

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peleon

And a special one for you Aussie boy :


A Texan farmer is going to spend a holiday in Australia. He takes the opportunity to meet farmers and local breeders and talk a little technical with them. During a walk in the fields, the Australian says to his colleague:
"So, wheat fields as big, do you have some at home?
 The Texan:
- Oh yeah! Ours are easily 5 times bigger!
 A little later, while on the ranch, the Australian shows him the herd of cattle.
 The Texan hastens to say:
- At home, our animals are easily twice as heavy as your oxen!
 A little nauseated, the Australian decides to bring the Texan back to his hotel, when on the road, they cross a hundred kangaroos. The Texan asks:
- Hey, what's that?
 And the incredulous Australian:
- What? So you do not have locusts in Texas?

Envoyé de mon SM-G935F en utilisant Tapatalk

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Glaude

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'

Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?'

Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook.

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Nikosaldente

Little red riding hood was walking through the forest and saw the wolf hiding in the grass. She said:" what big ears you have" and he says the better to hear you with & he runs off... 

Then she sees him hiding behind a tree sneaks up on him and she says:" what big eyes you have", the better to see you with he says & runs off... 

Thenshe sees him hiding behind a rock sneaks up again and  says:" what big teeth you have" 

The wolf stands up steaming with anger and growls: "Damn you little nosy brat...Are you going to  leave me alone? I'm trying to take a shit......

 

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Thommo82

Marvellous guys, keep ‘em coming! 

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Glaude

After 35 years on his route, he sets out for his last day. A woman opens her door as he delivers her mail and asks "Is it true today's your last day Charlie?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Please, come in, I have something for you!" and she welcomes Charlie to a delightful breakfast.

When he finishes, Charlie thanks the woman and says he must be on his way, but she insists on showing him her gratitude as she leads him upstairs to the bedroom. She makes love to him, and once again Charlie thanks the woman profusely, but reminds her he must finish his route.

"Before you go" she says, "one last thing!" And she pulls a dollar bill from her purse and thrusts it toward him.

"Really ma'am, that's not necessary" Charlie says. "You've been far too kind already."

"No, I insist! My husband told me to give you this!"

"Your husband?!" Charlie asks, surprised.

"Yes, when I asked him what we should do to show our appreciation after all these years he said "Ahh fuck him, give him a dollar."

She smiles and adds, "Breakfast was my idea."

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Thommo82
20 minutes ago, Glaude said:

After 35 years on his route, he sets out for his last day. A woman opens her door as he delivers her mail and asks "Is it true today's your last day Charlie?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Please, come in, I have something for you!" and she welcomes Charlie to a delightful breakfast.

When he finishes, Charlie thanks the woman and says he must be on his way, but she insists on showing him her gratitude as she leads him upstairs to the bedroom. She makes love to him, and once again Charlie thanks the woman profusely, but reminds her he must finish his route.

"Before you go" she says, "one last thing!" And she pulls a dollar bill from her purse and thrusts it toward him.

"Really ma'am, that's not necessary" Charlie says. "You've been far too kind already."

"No, I insist! My husband told me to give you this!"

"Your husband?!" Charlie asks, surprised.

"Yes, when I asked him what we should do to show our appreciation after all these years he said "Ahh fuck him, give him a dollar."

She smiles and adds, "Breakfast was my idea."

Definitely a contender 

@Nikosaldente made me laugh with the sandpaper too 

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GingerBubba
2 minutes ago, Thommo82 said:

Definitely a contender 

@Nikosaldente made me laugh with the sandpaper too 

Sandpaper joke - excellent!

Little Red Riding Hood - wtf!!!!

How are those two jokes from the same person!!?!

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Glaude

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says :

"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

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GingerBubba

After teasing Niko, is only fair I put myself up for scrutiny so here I go.

 

 

I visited a zoo the other day.

It only had one animal in the whole zoo; a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

 

 

I'll get my coat........

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RussP
2 hours ago, GingerBubba said:

After teasing Niko, is only fair I put myself up for scrutiny so here I go.

 

 

I visited a zoo the other day.

It only had one animal in the whole zoo; a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

 

 

I'll get my coat........

I think they're colloquially referred to as quickies (short jokes).

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Nikosaldente
5 hours ago, GingerBubba said:

After teasing Niko, is only fair I put myself up for scrutiny so here I go.

 

 

I visited a zoo the other day.

It only had one animal in the whole zoo; a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

 

 

I'll get my coat........

BN-MT095_COSTUM_JV_20160223171342.jpg

 

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Nikosaldente

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Williams, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Jerry, what's your problem?"

Jerry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 5rd grade!"

Ms. Williams had had enough. She took Jerry to the principal's office.

While Jerry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal that this was an exceptionally bright kid. The principal told Ms. Williams he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Jerry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Jerry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Jerry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Williams and tells her, "I think Jerry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Williams says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Jerry both agreed.

Ms. Williams asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Jerry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Williams: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Jerry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Williams: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Jerry: "Pants."

Ms. Williams: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Jerry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Williams: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Jerry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Williams: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Jerry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Williams: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Jerry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Send the little brat straight to the University, I got all of your questions wrong."

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Thommo82
2 hours ago, Nikosaldente said:

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Williams, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Jerry, what's your problem?"

Jerry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 5rd grade!"

Ms. Williams had had enough. She took Jerry to the principal's office.

While Jerry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal that this was an exceptionally bright kid. The principal told Ms. Williams he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Jerry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Jerry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Jerry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Williams and tells her, "I think Jerry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Williams says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Jerry both agreed.

Ms. Williams asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Jerry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Williams: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Jerry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Williams: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Jerry: "Pants."

Ms. Williams: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Jerry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Williams: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Jerry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Williams: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Jerry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Williams: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Jerry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Send the little brat straight to the University, I got all of your questions wrong."

This is one of the better jokes I’ve ever heard, and is currently the winner.

Gonna take something hilarious to take over. 

I’ll run this till Sunday (that’s sunday in Australia mind you) 

#bravo

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tabuktime
29 minutes ago, Thommo82 said:

This is one of the better jokes I’ve ever heard, and is currently the winner.

Gonna take something hilarious to take over. 

I’ll run this till Sunday (that’s sunday in Australia mind you) 

#bravo

Sometimes the old ones are the best...

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tabuktime

Q: What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
A: One less drunk at the funeral. 

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