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Thommo82

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Glaude

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school.
The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen."

Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume."

So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing."

Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets."

The following night his father invites over some important business clients.
The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.” 

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Nikosaldente

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

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Nikosaldente

A  guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”

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lukeas123456

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynocologist have in common? They can both smell it but they can't eat it! 

 

Congrats on the posts I've been away too long. 

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Glaude

Special delivery : 

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect.
After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study.
The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies.
So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead

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Thommo82
1 hour ago, Glaude said:

Special delivery : 

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect.
After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study.
The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies.
So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead

In my experience, the Aussies have a habit of being right 

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RussP
On 2/15/2018 at 17:55, black263 said:

Thommo has a new pet zebra.  He's called it Spot.

WE have a WINNER :Applause:

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Nikosaldente

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a blonde woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

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GingerBubba
14 minutes ago, Xpletiv said:

*Looks for any loose change*

www.adultwork.com

 

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88juniorfan

OK Thommo. It's Sunday. 

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Thommo82
7 minutes ago, 88juniorfan said:

OK Thommo. It's Sunday. 

Yep, last day

Ill let any last minute entries come through, but I’ll most likely choose a winner tonight, or tomorrow, as I like to procrastinate 

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88juniorfan

Haha I just thought I'd bust your balls. 

I won't be around tomorrow. It's Daytona 500 tomorrow and I'm taking the day off, watching the race and getting shitfaced. 

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Wires

"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..............What's the problem Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up"

"Bummer, mate...!!!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye"

 

Just got back from holiday in Thailand and I came so close to shagging a ladyboy! Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, kissed like a lady...It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time I thought to myself " Hang on a fucking minute...."

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Thommo82
59 minutes ago, 88juniorfan said:

Haha I just thought I'd bust your balls. 

I won't be around tomorrow. It's Daytona 500 tomorrow and I'm taking the day off, watching the race and getting shitfaced. 

That sounds like a marvellous plan 

9 minutes ago, Wires said:

"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..............What's the problem Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up"

"Bummer, mate...!!!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye"

 

Just got back from holiday in Thailand and I came so close to shagging a ladyboy! Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, kissed like a lady...It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time I thought to myself " Hang on a fucking minute...."

I had the same experiences 

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Glaude

One last before the winner is announced :

A guy with a gun enters a bar.
" Who the fuck had sex with my wife ?" he snarl.

A voice is heard in the background :
"You don't have enough bullets mate !"

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RussP
2 hours ago, Thommo82 said:

Yep, last day

Ill let any last minute entries come through, but I’ll most likely choose a winner tonight, or tomorrow, as I like to procrastinate 

Just wanted to confirm that I'm not including myself in the draw as I've already got too many watches. 

Best of luck to all the others who are in.

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