2000 posts

[Thommo82 1,397]

15 minutes ago, tabuktime said:

Q: What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
A: One less drunk at the funeral. 

So much truth 

[Glaude 1,615]

Remember I'm not part of the run, just enjoying a good laugh :

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

[bkg! 0]

A couple for valentines day;

I got my Mrs a new bag and belt. She wasn't impressed but who cares, the hoover works great now....

My wife just called, she said three of the girls in her work just got flowers and they're absolutely gorgeous. I said that's probably why they got them.....

[Nikosaldente 630]

A rich man and a poor man meet in an elevator on Valentine's day.

They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"

He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back to store in her new car, come home and still be happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."

The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"

The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

[Junior88 387]

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

 

 

[Junior88 387]

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. 

That means that even if you're a one in a million kind of guy,

There are still a thousand others just like you. 

[Junior88 387]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet ahead of them. The bear sees the campers and starts heading towards them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out sneakers, and begins frantically putting them on.

His buddy says, "Sneakers aren't going to help you outrun a fucking bear!"

His reply?

"I don't need to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun YOU."

[Thommo82 1,397]

2 hours ago, bkg! said:

A couple for valentines day;

I got my Mrs a new bag and belt. She wasn't impressed but who cares, the hoover works great now....

My wife just called, she said three of the girls in her work just got flowers and they're absolutely gorgeous. I said that's probably why they got them.....

Ba-dum-tish 

1 hour ago, Nikosaldente said:

A rich man and a poor man meet in an elevator on Valentine's day.

They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"

He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back to store in her new car, come home and still be happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."

The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"

The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

Nice

52 minutes ago, 88juniorfan said:

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

 

 

That’s horrid

I love it 

[RussP 22,106]

5 minutes ago, 88juniorfan said:

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. 

That means that even if you're a one in a million kind of guy,

There are still a thousand others just like you. 

That's profound. 

[jking92 5]

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."

He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."

"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."

"But ya fuck one goat.."

[Thommo82 1,397]

4 minutes ago, jking92 said:

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."

He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."

"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."

"But ya fuck one goat.."

Ok, I lol’d

[Thommo82 1,397]

Ok girls, this is becoming quite a tightly contested race.

3 days left

I May end up needing the assistance of another member to decide on a winner. 

@Glaude, although she is participating has already mentioned she is not in the running so she is a possible judge.

Also @brang1 already has this watch, and her jokes are weak, so I may call on her too

[Junior88 387]

Anyone know how a wife is like a tornado?

She's wet and wild when she comes, and when she leaves, she takes the house. 

[Glaude 1,615]

1 hour ago, Thommo82 said:

Ok girls, this is becoming quite a tightly contested race.

3 days left

I May end up needing the assistance of another member to decide on a winner. 

@Glaude, although she is participating has already mentioned she is not in the running so she is a possible judge.

Also @brang1 already has this watch, and her jokes are weak, so I may call on her too

If I can help !

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been wined and dined before" girl says.
So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home.

Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" Asks man.
"Never been fucked before" says girl.
So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says...
"Well you're fucked now"

[Nikosaldente 630]

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?" 

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer. 

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot." 

The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think." 

"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?" 

After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside." 

Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."

[black263 228]

Thommo has a new pet zebra.  He's called it Spot.

[black263 228]

On their first date, Thommo and his girlfriend are getting down to business, but he refuses to put his dick anywhere near her.  "My momma warned me about girls", he said.  They have teeth down there, and if you put your dick in, it gets bitten off"

"Your momma's wrong" she said. "There's no teeth there.  Take this flashlight and have a look"

Thommo takes the flashlight and disappears under the covers.  After a while he resurfaces.

"See" says the girlfriend, "No teeth"

"I'm not surprised", said Thommo.  " You should see the state of your gums"

[Thommo82 1,397]

2 hours ago, Nikosaldente said:

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?" 

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer. 

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot." 

The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think." 

"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?" 

After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside." 

Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."

This

1 hour ago, black263 said:

Thommo has a new pet zebra.  He's called it Spot.

Like

1 hour ago, black263 said:

On their first date, Thommo and his girlfriend are getting down to business, but he refuses to put his dick anywhere near her.  "My momma warned me about girls", he said.  They have teeth down there, and if you put your dick in, it gets bitten off"

"Your momma's wrong" she said. "There's no teeth there.  Take this flashlight and have a look"

Thommo takes the flashlight and disappears under the covers.  After a while he resurfaces.

"See" says the girlfriend, "No teeth"

"I'm not surprised", said Thommo.  " You should see the state of your gums"

Vagina is like pizza

Even bad ones are still kinda good 

@greg_r, got a joke for us? 

[greg_r 81]

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.

So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front,  she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.

"You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said.

"How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes:

 

 

 

 

 "My wife is from Sicily."

[Howitzer 1,974]

Bill and Tom are having a beer after work. 

"We should get on it Tom" says Bill. "I feel like getting properly pissed."

"I'd love to mate, but I've promised the wife I won't get drunk any more as I always throw up on myself. If I do it again she'll leave me."

"No problem! Put a £20 in the top pocket of your suit and if you throw up on yourself, just tell your wife that some random guy threw up on you and gave you the money for dry cleaning."

"Great idea! My round......"

Several hours later, Tom arrives home blind drunk and covered in vomit. As he fumbles with his keys, his wife opens the door.

"Where have you been?? Getting plastered again I see, and you've thrown up on yourself! That's it Tom, I'm leaving!"

"No! Wait darling, I can explain! This gentleman threw up on me and gave me some money for dry cleaning, check my top pocket!"

His wife reaches in to his pocket and pulls out some money.

"Oh, I see" she says. "But why are there two £20 notes in there?"

"He shat in my pants as well."

[Thommo82 1,397]

Shit @greg_r.....

That’s got me thinking that a certain ex-girlfriend likely had Sicilian blood. 

No wonder she’s an ex 

[Thommo82 1,397]

5 minutes ago, Howitzer23 said:

Bill and Tom are having a beer after work. 

"We should get on it Tom" says Bill. "I feel like getting properly pissed."

"I'd love to mate, but I've promised the wife I won't get drunk any more as I always throw up on myself. If I do it again she'll leave me."

"No problem! Put a £20 in the top pocket of your suit and if you throw up on yourself, just tell your wife that some random guy threw up on you and gave you the money for dry cleaning."

"Great idea! My round......"

Several hours later, Tom arrives home blind drunk and covered in vomit. As he fumbles with his keys, his wife opens the door.

"Where have you been?? Getting plastered again I see, and you've thrown up on yourself! That's it Tom, I'm leaving!"

"No! Wait darling, I can explain! This gentleman threw up on me and gave me some money for dry cleaning, check my top pocket!"

His wife reaches in to his pocket and pulls out some money.

"Oh, I see" she says. "But why are there two £20 notes in there?"

"He shat in my pants as well."

I would have charged the bastard $100

[Howitzer 1,974]

4 minutes ago, Thommo82 said:

I would have charged the bastard $100

Hahahaha

[black263 228]

After 70 years of practice, I now have such control over my bodily functions that you can use me to set your watch.

Every morning, at 0722, I have a piss.

Every morning at 0727 I have a shit.

Every morning at 0730 I wake up.

[Junior88 387]

3 hours ago, black263 said:

After 70 years of practice, I now have such control over my bodily functions that you can use me to set your watch.

Every morning, at 0722, I have a piss.

Every morning at 0727 I have a shit.

Every morning at 0730 I wake up.

Depends can help you with that