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Thommo82

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Glaude

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school.
The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen."

Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume."

So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing."

Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets."

The following night his father invites over some important business clients.
The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.” 

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Nikosaldente

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

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Nikosaldente

A  guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”

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lukeas123456

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynocologist have in common? They can both smell it but they can't eat it! 

 

Congrats on the posts I've been away too long. 

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Glaude

Special delivery : 

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect.
After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study.
The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies.
So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead

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GingerBlubba

Lol!

Fucking Aussies.

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Thommo82
1 hour ago, Glaude said:

Special delivery : 

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject.
They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect.
After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study.
The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies.
So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead

In my experience, the Aussies have a habit of being right 

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RussP
On 2/15/2018 at 17:55, black263 said:

Thommo has a new pet zebra.  He's called it Spot.

WE have a WINNER :Applause:

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Nikosaldente

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a blonde woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

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Xpletiv

*Looks for any loose change*

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GingerBlubba
14 minutes ago, Xpletiv said:

*Looks for any loose change*

www.adultwork.com

 

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88juniorfan

OK Thommo. It's Sunday. 

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Thommo82
7 minutes ago, 88juniorfan said:

OK Thommo. It's Sunday. 

Yep, last day

Ill let any last minute entries come through, but I’ll most likely choose a winner tonight, or tomorrow, as I like to procrastinate 

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88juniorfan

Haha I just thought I'd bust your balls. 

I won't be around tomorrow. It's Daytona 500 tomorrow and I'm taking the day off, watching the race and getting shitfaced. 

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Wires

"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..............What's the problem Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up"

"Bummer, mate...!!!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye"

 

Just got back from holiday in Thailand and I came so close to shagging a ladyboy! Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, kissed like a lady...It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time I thought to myself " Hang on a fucking minute...."

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Thommo82
59 minutes ago, 88juniorfan said:

Haha I just thought I'd bust your balls. 

I won't be around tomorrow. It's Daytona 500 tomorrow and I'm taking the day off, watching the race and getting shitfaced. 

That sounds like a marvellous plan 

9 minutes ago, Wires said:

"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..............What's the problem Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up"

"Bummer, mate...!!!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye"

 

Just got back from holiday in Thailand and I came so close to shagging a ladyboy! Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, kissed like a lady...It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time I thought to myself " Hang on a fucking minute...."

I had the same experiences 

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Glaude

One last before the winner is announced :

A guy with a gun enters a bar.
" Who the fuck had sex with my wife ?" he snarl.

A voice is heard in the background :
"You don't have enough bullets mate !"

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RussP
2 hours ago, Thommo82 said:

Yep, last day

Ill let any last minute entries come through, but I’ll most likely choose a winner tonight, or tomorrow, as I like to procrastinate 

Just wanted to confirm that I'm not including myself in the draw as I've already got too many watches. 

Best of luck to all the others who are in.

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Thommo82

Ok watch nerds, after much debate with myself I’ve decided on a winner.

@Nikosaldente!!!!!!

The culmination of his jokes tipped him over the edge to be the bringer of laughter, however there are a couple of special mentions which will be revealed if you scroll down....

On 10/02/2018 at 19:50, Nikosaldente said:
One night Toto's father was sitting in his armchair. Suddenly he says to Toto:
- Toto, bring me my slippers from your sisters room.
So Toto goes to Totinas room, opens the door and sees her sitting in her bed and talking to her friend:
Toto:
- Totina, Dad told me to f@@k you both!
Totina:
- What nonsense is this, Toto.
Toto:
- What? You don’t believe me? Dad? Only one of them?
Dad:
- Both, you idiot!

 

On 13/02/2018 at 00:05, Nikosaldente said:

Pinocchio was fed up with the recent complaints from his wife. "Every time we make love, I get splinters." So, Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the Carpenter, for advice. "Sandpaper," said the carpenter, "that's what you need." So, Pinocchio took the sandpaper home. A few weeks later, the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting along with the girls now?" \ "Who needs girls?" replied Pinocchio. 
 

:giggle:

 

On 14/02/2018 at 00:26, Nikosaldente said:

Little red riding hood was walking through the forest and saw the wolf hiding in the grass. She said:" what big ears you have" and he says the better to hear you with & he runs off... 

Then she sees him hiding behind a tree sneaks up on him and she says:" what big eyes you have", the better to see you with he says & runs off... 

Thenshe sees him hiding behind a rock sneaks up again and  says:" what big teeth you have" 

The wolf stands up steaming with anger and growls: "Damn you little nosy brat...Are you going to  leave me alone? I'm trying to take a shit......

 

 

On 14/02/2018 at 16:58, Nikosaldente said:

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Williams, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Jerry, what's your problem?"

Jerry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 5rd grade!"

Ms. Williams had had enough. She took Jerry to the principal's office.

While Jerry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal that this was an exceptionally bright kid. The principal told Ms. Williams he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Jerry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Jerry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Jerry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Williams and tells her, "I think Jerry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Williams says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Jerry both agreed.

Ms. Williams asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Jerry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Williams: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Jerry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Williams: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Jerry: "Pants."

Ms. Williams: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Jerry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Williams: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Jerry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Williams: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Jerry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Williams: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Jerry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Send the little brat straight to the University, I got all of your questions wrong."

 

On 15/02/2018 at 06:44, Nikosaldente said:

A rich man and a poor man meet in an elevator on Valentine's day.

They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"

He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back to store in her new car, come home and still be happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."

The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"

The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!"

 

On 15/02/2018 at 16:56, Nikosaldente said:

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?" 

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer. 

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot." 

The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think." 

"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?" 

After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside." 

Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."

 

On 16/02/2018 at 04:34, Nikosaldente said:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

 

On 16/02/2018 at 04:36, Nikosaldente said:

A  guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”

 

On 17/02/2018 at 07:12, Nikosaldente said:

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a blonde woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

@PlanetZoom you were a very close second, and if you had more jokes of this caliber (pun intended) you may have taken out this competition

Bra’fuckin’vo

On 11/02/2018 at 17:00, PlanetZoom said:

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Samantha?” She answers, “My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.”

“Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative,” the teacher praises. “Okay, one more volunteer.” Little Johnny raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”

“Well,” he says, “I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, ‘Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?’ and he says, ‘I don’t know son, but it’s gonna take that contagious.'”

-------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants..."

------------------------------------------------------------------- 

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

---------------------------------------------------------------------- 

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Also a special mention to the Boss man @greg_r as I got a good giggle out of this one

On 15/02/2018 at 19:59, greg_r said:

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.

So the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front,  she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.

"You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said.

"How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes:

 

 

 

 

 "My wife is from Sicily."

Thanks to everyone for the hearty chortle I recieved! Here’s to the next 1000 posts

@Nikosaldente, I’ll send you a PM

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88juniorfan

Congrats, @Nikosaldente! Enjoy your new watch!

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Nikosaldente

Wow!

Thanks for a great prize!

These kind of gestures makes this place a little more special!

Many thanks @Thommo82 for your generous giveaway!

PM replied mate!

Looking forward to receiving my very first VC:D

Cheers :beer2:

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Glaude

Congrats Niko ! 

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Nikosaldente
6 hours ago, 88juniorfan said:

Congrats, @Nikosaldente! Enjoy your new watch!

 

3 hours ago, Glaude said:

Congrats Niko ! 

Thanks guys:D

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